A Parody of a Tragedy

*What do you expect from a generation raised on Disney and internet porn?
*"Stalking" is such a negative word I prefer the phrase "Keeping in Touch"*My favorite rapper? Dr. Suess! Cat, hat...the man's a genius
*Pure irony= choking on a life saver
*A friend will help you when you fall down but a best friend will laugh until they cry cause it was the funniest thing they've ever seen
*I'm not easily distracted. I ... Hey, is that guy sparkling?
*Guns don't kill people, gaping holes in vital organs kill people
*If at first you don't succeed, deny you were trying at all.
*Texting: an excuse for randomly bursting out into laughter in dead silence
*People say "hate" is a strong word, but so is "love and" people throw that around like its nothing
*When is lighting something on fire not a good idea?
*How does she expect George to live w/o Fred?!
*I don't drunk dial. I tipsy text
*Sarcasm is for winners
*Most people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them
*The police never think it's as funny as you do
*Happiness isn't good enough for me. I demand euphoria!
*Good girls don't get caught.
*I'm a very good bad example
*Stalker-dedicated researcher
*Cinderella is proof that the right pair of shoes can change your life forever
*You cannot harm me for I am short and all powerful and cute and cuddly to all those who see me
*I was sad therefore I have new shoes
*Everything happens for a reason...except clowns. I mean seriously, what the hell?
*The trouble w/ trouble is it always starts out as fun.
*A good friend will bail you out of jail. A really good friend will help you hide the bodies
*#1 pick up line of all time: Hey does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
*Why is there a Christmas episode of the Flinstones? ...Think about it
*Pandas are the least racist creatures; they're black, white and Asian
*

So my friend Connie and I were having a conversation about why we would not be successful as prostitutes. It more than likely has something to do w/ what we would say to the "John"s:

Connie: "Are you kidding me? You want me to say what? That doesn't even have proper sentence structure."

Nikki: "You want me to stick what, where? I'm fairly sure that's not even legal in this state, not to mention, highly unsanitary."

Connie: "You, sir, are not my daddy and I would appreciate not saying that."

Connie: "No, I have not been a bad girl and most certainly do not need a spanking, but I wouldn't mind a time out."

Nikki: "A shower, have you heard of it? Because if you want my face anywhere near that region or any other part of your body you need to become better aquainted w/ one."

Nikki: "No, sir, I do not want to 'ride' you. This is not Disneyland and you are not operated by a trained staff."

Connie: "Oh that's great, what is that about four inches? That's going to be huge once it's erect...Oh so that's erect...Cute."

Connie: "You think I'm going to wear that do you? I don't see how underwear serves a purpose w/o a crotch."

Nikki: "Quickly. You want me to cum quickly. It's an adverb so there's an ly. Where did you go to school?"

Nikki: "No I am not close. Why not? Well firstly I have yet to feel anything, and secondly it's been what 2 minutes?"

The Clod & the Pebble
by William Blake

"Love seeketh not Itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care;
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair."

So sang a little Clod of Clay,
Trodden with the cattle's feet;
But a Pebble of the brook,
Warbled out these metres meet:

"Love seeketh only Self to please,
To bind another to its delight;
Joys in another's loss of ease,
And builds a Hell in Heaven's despite."

I'm not sure why but it struck a cord. Do you agree w/ the Clod or the Pebble? And which one's definition would you fall into? I'm not sure who I agree w/. Probably the Clod, who's idea I would like to think I fall into.

Ashley: That's why you shouldn't say your an ex-CIA agent anymore. All lies!

Nikki: But people get weird if I admit that I'm an ex FBI agent. They all wanna know if I've seen aliens

Ashley: Well you just have to live with that reality. Or defect to Russia with me. They pay big rubbels for our knowledge

Nikki: Oh my lets go I can fake a Russian accent

Ashley: Pft maybe a Ukrainian accent. Leave the talking to me comrade

Nikki: The gasp!

Ashley: Hey hey hey I am more than willing to acknowledge your superior Swiss accent skillz, but leave the Motherland to me.

Nikki: Fine but when we visit China its all me!

Ashley: Fine! Just don't pull any ''Oh I thought I said with no raw fish eyes, sorry!''

Nikki: One time and you never let me forget it. Yet who was the one who ordered us cow stomachs in Scotland? They speak English for God’s sake!

Ashley: Ahhh ha ha ha that was the best yet! You said you wanted to be adventuress!

Nikki: Yeah like cliff jumping; not on food.

Ashley: Then you should specify! You know how I jump to conclusions. Shall we bring up Bangkok?

Nikki: You said you wanted to get to know the people. Who could know more than the prostitutes? And they love you long time!

Ashley: Do you know how close I came to pulling a David Carradine?!? Gives me chills....

Nikki: You put yourself in your situation. I just called them.
Ashley: Did you have to order a crack addicted tranny??

Nikki: He/ she was the cheapest one! You're the one who decided to invest all our money in the pet pinecone. I don't care how well the pet rock did in the 80’s.

Ashley: Bah ha haha! Look in today’s market novelties sell! I don't see you with a better idea!

Nikki: Yeah but you don't see me blowing our savings either. I was saving up to buy you a new ski mask.

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

So I was looking at my Myspace trying to kill time because I'm crazy bored at work and I was looking at the "People You May Know" thing. I decided to check if I might in fact know one person, which I did but that's not really relevant to the story, and I was looking through is comments. I'm fully aware how much of a stalker that makes me seem but really it's not my stalking tendencies, of which I have many, but this is actually my nosiness taking control, which I blame on being raised by a news reporter for the last 14 years I really didn't have a chance. Anyway so I was reading his comments and this guy said something like "Well you were right she did it to me again. Read my blog" So of course I read his blog...come on you really should have seen that one coming I mean I do have the nosiness comment above. And his blog pulled at my heartstrings so I thought I would share it w/ you so you could see it too (ok yeah that's the stalker in me):

I have been fooled.
I have been deceived.
I have been bamboozled.

Here are the facts:

1. The girl who allegedly loved me and has been living with me from April 2008 until January 29th 2009 has been dating someone else for at least the last three months.

2. She has been lying to everyone and telling them we have been broken up and living with her friend Wendi.

3. I had no idea she had been cheating on me and the week of Jan 19th took her to Vegas on vacation for a week.

4. She has been pressuring me to move out and get an apartment with just her for the last 2 months.

5. From my view our relationship was going well. We fought, usually about her coming home later than she promised, or changing our plans frequently, but she seemed happy, we were still having an active love life, and planning dates with eachother.

The Discovery:

We lived together. We used the same bathroom. We slept in the same bed. We used the same computer.

Recently she started clearing out search history and private data from my computer claiming it was running slow. Although I found this odd... I never gave it much thought: until 2 days ago.

After fighting for two days about her coming home at 4 in the morning, on Monday night. She decided not to come home at all Wednesday night until 8 Thursday morning. We fought briefly but I was exhausted from being up all night worrying and waiting for her to come home and fell asleep shortly after her arrival. When I woke later that afternoon I jumped on the computer to pay some bills, check Myspace, etc. I looked at the history and it was cleared yet again, but one page remained... Facebook.

I was interested as I have never been on Facebook: so I went to the login page. I was surprised as I had never seen her log on to Facebook, although Ive seen her on her Myspace, email, etc. I entered her email and her email password, which she had given me to log into her email previously, and her page popped up. Quickly scanning her Wall I noticed she has been unactive for sometime, but there were new additions within the last few days. One of them being adding one of her coworkers as a friend.... so I clicked on his profile.

Shazam

His profile popped up and his profile picture showed the two of them together, in a bar, wearing matching jerseys.

My stomach sank and I new. I had been fooled.

The Evidence:

1. Profile picture of them in matching Jerseys dating back to late October. The jersey in the picture was not part of her wordrobe kept in our house.

2. Profile pictures of them together on Thanksgiving day. She woke at my house and we began prepping food for the dinner we were having with friends that day. That afternnoon she said she was going to take a dish she preppared over to his house because they werent doing anything for Thanksgiving and then she would be home. She was gone for several hours before returning back to our house were she spent the majority of the night with my friends playing board games. She left later that night to drive one of her fiends home but did not return for several hours claiming she was hanging out. The pictures clearley show them together at a party at his house that day/night.

3. His profile was changed receintly to list him as "in a realationship" and no other pictures on his page show him clearly with a girl other than her.

4. A comment on one of the photos of them together from his sister read "Cant wait to see you both over Xmas, tell Becky I said hi" She had tried to tell me that she was going to fly to Iowa to spend Christmas with her family days before Christamas week. I told her no because we had planned on spending it together in Denver and I would be alone if she went. She didnt go, but amazingly had the whole week of from work, which she claimed was a scheduling error, and she also drove him to the airport that morning, claiming he couldnt find a ride.

5. After contacting a friend who works with both of them to see if he knew any thing he responded by telling me he didnt. But after asking around found out that she had been telling everyone at work that we had broken up and she had moved out. Also saying things to him suggesting she hadn't talked to me or seen me when she was infront of other coworkers

6. Plenty of other rumors and sightings of the two of them together thru various sources. One being my General Manager.

7. She has cheated on me before in Aug 2008 claiming it was a one time accident.

8. There has only been 5-7 times were she hasnt come home at night, usually when we were fighting. So she has been with him at night and coming home and getting into bed with me claiming she was out/working late.

9. She has been telling him that she has living with her friend Wendi and that she does not like to stay alone in her apartment. That has been her excuse for leaving him and coming home to me. All the time telling me she loves me and sleeping in the same bed.

10. She told him she was going to Vegas with her gay friend and his sister to cover the fact she was going with me. Which was my Xmas gift to her.

The Breakup:

She claimed they were just friends. She didnt know what the pictures were all about or why he would say they were in a realationship. She said she had never slept with him or had been dateing him but admitted after pressure that she had stayed at his house, in his bed.... but nothing happened. She claimed she was really going to fly to Iowa for Christmas. She said you knew I was stopping by his house on Thanksgiving. She admitted to nothing.

She packed her things. Not shedding a single tear. And left.

She returned the next day for the rest of her things. She still admitted nothing. I asked for something, to come clean, to at least leave with some dignity. She said "I dont know what you want me to say?" I said I wanted to hear that I was a terrible boyfriend, that she didnt have a place to live so she was waiting and using me, anything..... just a reason. And all she said was "Im an idiot."

I forgave her. I will not carry this around in my heart knowing she didnt care. She said she didnt want to leave, she said she still loved me, she said she liked Him but loved Me. I kissed her goodbye. I made love to her one last time pretending in my heart she was still the same person I was in love with.... knowing the whole time she wasnt.

And she left without saying another word.

Today: Not a phone call or a text from her.

I am sorry

I am sorry that we fought.
I am sorry that I am a very closed in person and keep people at a distance.
I am sorry that my drinking gets the best of me sometimes.
I am sorry that I didnt make more time for her.
I am sorry that I didnt make more time for my friends when I was with her.
I am sorry I didnt find out sooner.
I am sorry to those of you she lied too.
I am sorry for Him. Im not sure he knows
I am sorry she is a sad person.
I am sorry she is a liar.
I am sorry she needs to fill the hole in her life with drink, superficial friends, and the attention of men.
I am sorry she doesnt love herself
I am sorry she doesnt love me

I am Glad

I am glad its over.
I am glad there will be no more fights.
I am glad I took a chance.
I am glad I tried.
I am glad I know I didnt diserve this.
I am glad I know this is not my fault.
I am glad that I can put my feelings in the open.
I am glad I love myself.

Tomorrow:

Tomorrow will be easier than today.
Tomorrow I will not regret.
Tomorrow I will not feel stupid.
Tomorrow I will live my life.

I did not write this because I want sympathy. I did not write this because I want revenge. I did not write this because I want you to know. I did not write this because I am sad.

I wrote this because I know ill be ok. I wrote this because I know it wasnt me.. it was her. I wrote this because it is the end to a chapter of my life..... and like all good books every chapter needs to end waiting for more:

And Im eager to see what happens next....

I talked to this woman today who had had a stroke. She was having difficulty talking. Or at least getting her point across. You could tell she knew what she wanted to get out but couldn't. It really upset me.
Imagine living in a world where you couldn't get your point across. To be trapped in your brain like that. How awful. And infuriating. It would just eat me up inside.

I'm getting restless. I need to go, but I'm trapped here. For another year and a half at least. I need to get my degree done, and other things are keeping me here. If it wasn't for that other thing that keeps me tied, my ball and chain so to speak I think I'd leave w/o the degree. Maybe I'd transfer my credits or just start over. Get it right this time. I don't think it's Seattle I want. Part of it is. I miss the circle there. The core group of people who just get me. Who understand by the way I write a text everything that isn't said. But, other than them I want to start over. Colorado has been hard on me. Too hard. Too much has happened and too many tears have been shed. This last set back (is that even the right term to describe it?) just feels like it has all been too much. I'm very moved by Augustana's lyrics to Boston at the moment:

I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Maybe that's all it is. I've had great moments here. And there are wonderful people here. I just want to run. But, I can't. I'm not entirely sure I would even if I could. I'm too conservative for that. But, then again maybe the past 3 1/2 years I've hit my limit. We shall see when I can escape

Last night was a lot of fun. Hill and I had a great date. Well the good mood actually started because Nathalie went on a lunch date. You cannot imagine the smiles that were on everyone's faces at Blink as this news spread around. We all knew it was going to be a good day then.
But, that doesn't actually have anything to do w/ the story other than I was pre-elated. So we went down to see Doubt, our first time really spending time together since my parents Christmas party. And we've been wanting to see Doubt for a while. When we got down to Junction we had thirty minutes to kill, so what else would two hardcore bookworms do but go into Barnes and Noble. However I was a victim of a domestic abuse. I made fun of his walk and was kept in line by getting pinched. And later when I was trying to see what he was looking at was hit on the head w/ a book. Don't worry I'm sure that it was for my own good. He was making sure I was acting appropriate. Actually it was all harmless, but that didn't stop me from telling him to stop abusing me in the middle of the store. We then got to listen to two adult women discussing Twilight. But, badly. I wanted to ask one lady if she had even read it at all. We pretended we were looking at books so we could ease drop. Thank goodness those two women were so enthralled in their conversation because I don't think we were all that sly about our looks and chuckles to each other.
Then we went to see Doubt. Which was great. But, I'll get to that in a second. We went in and there was this black thing, I'm still not sure what it was, across the screen. It was there throughout all of the previews and a good two minutes of the movie. We were so annoyed. Finally they took it off but wiped it back over the screen two more times to screw with us is the only thing that makes sense to me. Hill held my hand through the whole movie which was great because there were scenes that really got to me and I needed to squeeze his hand. I'm such a girl, no matter how hard I try to hide it. The movie, like I said, was phenomenal. Absolutely amazing. It made you questions things and think about things. It also made you cringe and sympathize in situations you wouldn't think you would. As Hill summed it up so eloquently it was "bitchen". He was also fascinated w/ the rosary Meryl Streep had. He said it was "rockin". Which I'm sure was the exactly what the designer was going for.
Then I was hungary when we left so we decided to go out for dinner. Now if you know me you know I'm horribly indecisive. Much to my dismay so is Hill. It's horrible trying to decide somewhere to eat. So we did the only reasonable thing we could think of; we called Ashley. I mean what else would we do? Who else could be counted on to make the the decision of where two people would eat in Grand Junction than someone in Tacoma, Washington? Well she was a savior and came up w/ two choices, both of which were shot down by Hill, so my plan backfired. But, we were not back at square one. I knew I wanted Italian or Mexican, so he chose Italian. Problem solve right? Wrong. Apparently while we were in the movie a Zombie Attack occurred. It's the only reasonable conclusion we could come up w/ for why everything was either dead or closed at 9:30 on a Wednesday night. The fact that we are in a relatively small town and it was the middle of the week was/is completely lost on us.
We decided to go to VI. Which had all of the qualifications we were looking for: it wasn't fast food, was open, served food, and had apparently been spared the zombie attack. After eating and having great conversation that covered everything from seagulls to society being mostly sheep I decided that we needed to have Jesus Pie. For those of you not in the know Jesus Pie is this amazing pie at the VI that comes out once a year that is so good if Jesus were to make pie this would be what he made. We shared a piece of that and Hill agreed it is amazing. It's seriously a foodgasm.
We headed back up the mountain then and had said good night, then sat in our cars and texted each other for about another five minutes. We are so sad. And that was the end but all in all it was a great night.

So I was talking to Bishop last night. And he, politely and as supportive as possible, told me that I have a lot of thinking to do. He asked me some difficult questions that basically revolved around if I was happy w/ something and whether the good out weighed the bad. I didn't/don't know how to answer that.
I spent a good portion of last night crying. Which seems to be happening on a regular basis lately. Much to my dismay. I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm not sure if I'm hormonal or if it's relating to my situation or what. It's really starting to piss me off.
Bishop was then kind enough to offer his advice but did so tentatively trying to be as sensitive to my problem. He is looking out for me and is protective of me as I am of him. He then asked me more questions. At this point I'm too emotionally drained to even think about the answers. Or maybe I'm procrastinating hoping that things will magically fix themselves. I know what I want the answers to be I just don't know if I want and what the truth is is the same and that hurts.
I'm aware this is extremely cryptic and for that I am sorry. I just need to get this out somewhere and here always seems like the best place.

It would be nice if you put forth just a little effort. If you didn't cancel 50% of the time. If you acted like you actually gave a damn. If you didn't act like I was just going to be waiting, the fact that I am is due to my issues not how amazing you are. If you actually cared about the fact that you won't see me for close to two weeks. If you didn't leave everything up to me. If you cared about something that was going on w/ me. If you actually gave a damn.

I wish that I was either a dumb girl who crushes hard/easily or a smart girl who only had a cynical outlook towards love instead of a smart girl who crushes hard. Because crushing hard means I put my feelings out there and could potentially get hurt. And being smart means that I can logically see why it's wrong. Or hopeless. Or in my case both.

Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 3:22pm
You're the one who went out w/ him...not me.


Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 2:41pm
Says the woman who owns 5 Coach bags that you know were stiched together by small Indonesian children. A good bargian...riiiiiight.
Of course I didn't complain! I was in handcuffs! And for your information splitting a bag of peanuts he stole from the flight attendant doesn't count as dinner. That number was the private line he had installed in his moms basement. You can really spot the winners.


Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 2:14pm
What else was I supposed to carry it in? We were coming from Japan and you know I don't support fake designer labels. It's a choice every woman must make for herself. And at least Mr. TSA gave you his number. I didn't see you complaining when he took you out to dinner.

Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 2:05pm
So we're going there...... Alright. Alright. Let us examine the great airport debalce of '03 shall we? Someone thought it would be a good idea to smuggle the goods in a Hello Kitty purse. Because a grown woman totting a childrens handbag won't draw attention. Then to compound the problem genius over here decides to back talk to Mr. TSA officer....I still flinch everytime I see rubber gloves....be ashamed!

Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 1:48pm
Fine I'll get rid of the mittens if you stop insisting on wearing that god awful rhinestone belt w/ all the f-ing metal parts. It took us two hours just to get through security last night we did an international job.


Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 1:45pm
Oh and rainbow mittens are a dime a dozen in the circles we run in? Maybe I should get that tattoo so they can identify our bodies after they've been riddled with bullets beyond recognition. Rainbow mittens are pretty hard to miss when your looking through a sniper scope!


Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 1:17pm
They keep me centered. I just need to look at them and they calm me down. It's not exactly like this is a stress free job. And you can open all the doors from now on. Since I'm carrying the f-ing rope. How do you like them apples. Set you apart? Yeah I'll agree w/ that. Set you apart so people know who we are. Your tattoo isn't exacty all that common. Why not just tattoo Ashley and Nikki on the other foot? Just incase people have any doubts who we are. And for the record the Godfather said he loved my mittens.


Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 1:12pm
Ha ha ha ha ha good lord we're hilarious!

It sets me apart okay! Gosh! Help you?!? Need I remind you of the greased door knob fisaco?!? You fumbled with that thing forever! And do they have to be rainbow colored? How about we just write softies on our foreheads! We'll never get in with the Godfather at this rate.


Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 1:06pm
Do my mittens ever restrict me from doing a job right? No...plus they help w/ fingerprints. The only thing your flip flops do is help indentify us.

Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 1:03pm
You know what....flip flops define me as a person. If you can't understand that then maybe you should just keep your opinions to yourself. Do I critize your lucky mittens?

Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 1:02pm
Well then she was definitely lying to you. To make you look stupid.

Fine I will take the rope. Maybe if you wore better shoes.



Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 12:54pm
Okay if I have to take the bullets you have to slug the rope around from now on. If I trip one more time on a loose end I'll hang myself with it!

No.....it was your mom! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 12:47pm
Let's do it then circa Mike Myers. It would be fabulous. Do you realize he did a lot of random talk shows for his skits? Coffee talk, Wayne's World, and the bath one...weird.

I screwed up one time. And for the record bullets are you department. You should have remembered. It was your mom who said you were the funny one wasn't it?


Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 12:42pm
Ha ha circa Tina Fey. I think we're more circa Mike Myers Coffee Talk. A talk show about the shallow matters everyone really cares about.

I'm only saying it because you have a tendency to forget vital information. Remember Operation "What do you mean I thought you got the bullets"......blew our rep with the underworld for months!


Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 12:28pm
And if you were truly the funny friend then you wouldn't have to keep saying it. Does your mom tell you you're the funny one? Because she's lying just like she lied about you being cool, remember that incident.

Too bad we are the funniest people I know. Let's start an improv show. Like SNL circa Tina Fey.


Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 12:22pm
Everyone believes!!! They keep asking me about Borris and Nathasha...and Bulwinkle and Rocky. Alright fine it goes.


Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 12:19pm
Well if I have to do that then you have to stop talking in a Russian accent and calling yourself Natalia! No one believes your a Russian ex-patriot!

And I'm the funny friend gosh dang it!


Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 12:00pm
Well that's a given. But, could you please cut the little ball thing on top of yours? No one takes us seriously w/ that on.

Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 11:50am
Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha

Alright. This plan could work. Should we use the ski masks from Operation "Oh no! They released the hounds!!!"? I feel that they will add a sense of mystery.


Nikki Hollingsworth wrote
at 9:18am
While I appreciate your martyrism I think we should first try Operation "No it's your turn to go in first, I went in first last time." We must try to unite the team once again.


Ashley Lindsay (Tacoma, WA) wrote
at 6:47pm yesterday
Operation "What does this switch do....oops" has failed. As your point man I take full responsibility and have offered myself to the KGB as ransom for Bernard.

The innocent should never pay....

So I love photography. I'm not very good at it, but I it's my favorite form of art. And Annie Leibovitz is one of my favorite artist. Actually she is my favorite. I found a close second, but Anne Liebovitz always takes phennomenal pictures. She has a series of Disney ones that I am in awe of and thought I would share them w/ you. So here you go:





















If you didn't look too closely in the one above you might have missed this little fairy:












And my favorite:

My tribute to Ashley:


One of the greatest movies...and what a hot song.


So us.


This one makes me laugh because it's something we would say.


Yeah Ashley...so hardcore.


Tribute to our future tat.


You will forever be my Karen.


You are the Connie to my Carla


To the future, Darling.


Cheers to Us.

   I started this long post explaining in detail what I did last night.  But, I don't have the energy. So I'll give you the short synopsis.  I went to a bar w/ a bunch of friends I haven't had the chance to see, let alone hang out w/ in months. And I'm talking like nine months.  I had a ball!!!  All I heard all night was how much I was missed and how happy they were to see me.  It was great.  For someone who had felt so alone on this damn mountain, hell in this damn state is was great to see that people not only like my personality, but actually want to spend time w/ me.  Missed me even.  My self esteem has deteriated so much after living w/ the evil one and this just made it sky rocket.  
   However, w/ as much fun as I had I ran into a friend of mine. We will call him "Tom"...I don't think any of you know "Tom" but it makes it nicer for me.  Anyway once upon a time I had a huge crush on Tom.  It lasted a while and ended badly.  A lot of hurt feelings on my side and indifference on his.  I'm making him seem like a bad guy and he's not.  A little cocky and a little self consumed at times, but not a bad guy.  Actually a sweet guy for the most part.  I was niave at the time and he was...well it doesn't really matter because that was a long time ago and we have remained friends.  I actually got over it and laughed at myself for crushing on him, because there are times when I don't even like him.  But, last night I was overwhelmed w/ feelings for him again.  I don't know why.  I haven't felt anything remotely romantic for him in well over a year.  But, for some reason last night I was right back pining for him.  And it hurt and almost ruined my night.  Ok that's a little melodramatic even for me.  But even in the middle of my happy reunion w/ friends this is what I thought about.  And then I wanted three of my best friends.  Even just one of them would have been great. 
   I wanted Ashley because she would have mocked him and then mocked me for caring about him (only out of love), and asked me why I would want to be w/ someone obviously beneathe me.  What could I possibly be thinking.  And as her logic always does it would have snapped me out of my temporary insanity and put me back in my happy moment. 
   I wanted Christian because he would have asked me why I would want to be w/ someone who doesn't see how amazing I am.  After all I'm Nikki Fucking Hollingsworth and I am amazing.  If he doesn't/can't see that why waste my time?  But, he would still help me to check if he was flirting w/ me.  And down talk the girl he actually was flirting w/.  After all ***** is such a bullshit name.
    And I wanted Lauren.  Because she would give me her advise and tell me he's not worth it.  And frankly he's kind of a creep.  But, knowing me like she does would be there when I was hurt at the end of the night because I didn't listen and got hurt.  She would be there while I cried then curled up and watched a movie w/ me while we pigged out and then later that night drive by his house just to see...not sure what we are looking for but whatev (don't judge and act like you haven't done that).
   Anyone of them would have been great.  I need pocket them to carry around everywhere. But, neither of them were there.  So I was left w/ me.  Not listening to advise, but not having anyone's shoulder to cry on.  Not having anyone tell me how amazing I am (well except for the people who were there, but that is a different amazing...yes there is a difference).  And no one to mock him to make me seem so much better and let reality settle in.  So I smiled and acted like nothing was going on.  I've pretty much perfected the almost genuine smile (you have to be a Nikki expert to know the difference) and laughed.  And I did have a great time, but today it hurts.  It's an emotional hangover...I would take the real thing over this anyday. And the sad thing is...I think of myself as pathetic because I: a) know better and b) don't think of it as that big of a deal (the problem is that it's not the brain that hurts....stupid heart).  
    If you actually reached the bottom of this lame pathetic rant then bless your heart, because I can't honestly say that I would have.  Now please pretend you didn't see it so I can maintain some dignity.
    

Shockingly I'm a person.  This may not be that surprising to some of you, but to those checking in to my condos it apparently is a mind blowing concept.  Here are some of the lovely things I've had to endure just this weekend alone.  For the record these are things you don't do:

1) Don't just stand at my counter and expect me to know exactly what you want.  And when I ask you don't give me your room number. I don't know if you are checking out or checking in...I have over 60 rooms you are going to have to work w/ me.  So sorry it's an inconvinence.

2) Don't come two hours before check-in and get mad that you can't get into the room that minute. If your room is ready I am more than happy to get you in, but I can't make the house-keepers work any faster.  I don't care that you have to iron your fucking pants before a wedding.  Do it before you com.

3) Do not make your reservation a week in advance during a busy season and demand the room you want.  You will get what's available.  Those who made their reservations in a timely manner will get the first rooms.  Deal.

4) Do not think that getting mean will get you what you want.  If anything I will make you wait longer and we will convinently run out of what you want...Sorry.

5) If you call for something and I will tell you that's it's going to be a while before I can bring it to you because I am the only one in the office that does not mean come to my office 15 minutes earlier.  If it was that easy I would have asked you to come to the office. 

Thank you for letting me vent.

   So I had an epiphany today.  It was quite miraculous, although it may seem a little obvious to the rest of you.  I tetermined that I don't have to like everybody.  Gasp.  Shock.  I know, I know I'm a little slow when it comes to these things.  But, this is amazing to me.  I have always tried to please everyone.  I have always tried to get along w/ everyone.  And it made me a door mat.  But, I've realized that I don't need to like everyone.  And surely not everyone doesn't like me.  And that's ok.  It doesn't make me a bad person.  
    How did I come by this shocking (you know what it was pretty startling to me) revalation?  I was thinking about a conversation that I had w/ C last night about one of his friends knowing I didn't much care for him.  And I thought "Nope not so much, oh well".  And it hit me that that was fine.  
   Glad you could all share this moment w/ me.

So I recently had a break down while walking down the streets of Seattle. It was bad I was sobbing and drunk. I totally killed C's buzz as well as my own (sorry honey). But it was good in a way to because it meant I had to deal with some stuff. And I had to deal with some fears that I didn't even know were there. Since I am prone to discovering things and hiding them (which obviously works so well for me) I've decided to put them out there. To fill all you nice people in so that it has to be dealt with. This will either be really cathartic and extremely helpful in releasing my inner stresses or so mortifying that I run and hide under my comforter for the next week then never discuss it again. Let's hope for the former, shall we?
Ok here goes nothing:

1. I fear never having anyone fall in love with me. -This isn't a low self-esteem thing. I (at the moment) happen to think that I am awesome. And will often times look at couples "in love" and go "I'm way cuter, funnier, smarter, than that girl so why not me?" I'm not conceited by any means. I mean good for that couple, but why am I not love worthy? All my friend think I'm great.

2. I fear never falling in love with anyone- Ok I know a little weird after the first one. But, I'm scared to care about people. It hurts. And I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to handle it. 

3. I fear that I'm going to push everyone away.- Right along with #2. I tend to get scared that people will hurt me so I don't let them get to close. If they can't get close they can't leave you in the end. It's fucked up. And I'm not superficial enough to think that I'm the only one who does this, but I'm just more aware of it in myself.

4. I fear being replaced-I am absolutely terrified that people are going to find a better version of me and not care anymore.

5. I fear being left. -Call it conditioning. I've been "abandoned" by core people. It wasn't their choice but its what happened. And I don't think I can make it on my own.

6. I fear never feeling anything worthwhile. -I have trained myself to block out the bad. To deal with it another time. But, when you don't feel the bad you don't feel the good. And I don't want to miss out.

7. I fear failure. -This one I'm sure everyone gets. I want to be successful. I don't want to not reach my dreams.

8. I fear being seen as a failure. -This one is worse. I hate the idea of looking into someone eyes are realizing that they are disappointed with me because I didn't reach my potential. That they don't respect me because of it.

I'm not looking for validation for these. I don't need to be told that everyone feels this, I'm quite aware. I just wanted to put these out there so I am forced to face them. Now others know. So I can't hide anymore.